London Fletcher is the best defensive player in the history of the NFL. He’s better than Lawrence Taylor, Reggie White, Dick Butkis, and hell, any combination of those three guys. We’ll call that player Dickrence Butwhite.
Yeah, I said it. London Fletcher is better than Dickrence Butwhite.
(laughter from audience)
Oh wait, I didn’t mean London Fletcher. I meant Ray Lewis. Sorry, I get those two guys confused sometimes. London Fletcher’s name in that sentence sounds beyond absurd. If you substitute in Ray Lewis’ name… not so much, evidently:
You see, Ray Lewis motivates his teammates. Ray Lewis is respected by every player in the NFL. Ray Lewis’ “impact on the game stretches beyond the field,” or so I’ve been told by ESPN. Ray Lewis has done it for a long time. Ray Lewis plays through pain. Ray Lewis is a god among us mere mortals. Ray Lewis’ entry dance cured polio. That’s a fact, by the way. Cured that shit so hard that the Bubonic Plague was thinking of making a comeback, but instead said, “Fuck that, Ray Lewis’ dance is still out there.”
But wait… Doesn’t London Fletcher exhibit all those qualities?
- Motivates teammates? Check.
- Respected league-wide? Check.
- Done it for a long time? Check.
- Plays through pain? Check.
- Has famous entry dance? Gahhhh… No dance!
But what about numbers? Ray Lewis’ numbers are certainly impressive:
Clearly as noted above, Ray Lewis is the best defensive player to ever step foot onto a football field, and will thus be a first-ballot Hall of Famer. Shit, why even wait? Just put him in there now. But what about London Fletcher? Here are his career numbers, minus his rookie season, when he wasn’t a starter:
And here’s how those numbers average out on a “per season” basis:
Ray Lewis: Twelve-time Pro Bowl player. Seven-time All-Pro. Two-time NFL Defensive Player of the Year. Super Bowl MVP.
London Fletcher: Three-time Pro Bowl player. One Super Bowl win in which he couldn’t even win MVP (I mean, those 5 tackles Ray Lewis made in the Super Bowl were so replete with awesomeness that they were almost forced to give it to him)
Also, can London Fletcher do this…
Nope. And that’s the difference. London Fletcher may retire this offseason. My advice to you, London, is to find a time machine and re-do your entire shitty career, but this time get drafted higher, be a little taller, and for God sakes play with a little more emotion.