Last night, the Eagles met with Chip Kelly for 9 hours over lunch. NINE FREAKING HOURS! This was after the NFL Network told me yesterday morning that Kelly was all but heading to the Browns. I was even informed by NFLN that the Eagles were scrambling to go back to the proverbial “drawing board,” even though they:
- Had literally at least half a dozen other interviews either already conducted or reportedly lined up.
- Had an interview with Kelly himself that afternoon.
Oops. Nine hours later, I assume Kelly and the Eagles’ brass (Jeffrey Lurie, Don Smolenski, and Howie Roseman) emerged from that lunch bloated, achy, and tired. On a side note, how many poops do you think the 4 men had combined during that stretch? And how does that work? Let’s say for example Chip Kelly had to go poop, and he excuses himself. He doesn’t return for 10 minutes. Do you think Lurie turned to Roseman and asked, “Do you think he’s pooping?” And is there an awkward moment when Kelly returns and everyone in the room knows he just pooped? That had to have happened at some point, right?
Sorry, I got off on a tangent there. Here are some things could transpire in 9 hours:
• You can do the most annoying sound in the world 8,100 times:
• The NFL’s Game Rewind package has a “Condensed version” of every game, in which you can watch every play of a game including select replays without the huddles, timeouts, sideline interviews, etc. You can watch the entire Eagles season in approximately 8 hours and 42 minutes. Hopefully, that was not what the Eagles did in their time with Kelly.
• Have you ever taken a one lecture per week night class in college, and had a professor that liked to wrap it up early, which was fine by you because you had a 30 pack of Milwaukee’s Best and a beer pong table waiting for you back at your disgusting apartment? Yeah, me too. That plan was usually good, unless you had some 40 year woman in there that was actually interested in… you know… learning. There would be that moment at the end of class where you could just feel that that the professor was going to let everyone go a half hour early, and then the sweet glorious question would emerge from their mouth:
“Unless anyone has any questions, I think we can wrap it up here.”
And then the 40 year old woman’s hand would go up. NOOOOOOOO! We were so close, and you just got the professor off on a 20 minute tangent! On the outside, I was somehow able to keep my composure in those situations, but the reaction in my brain would go something like this:
This same principle also applies in the workforce. I can’t even tell you how many pointless sales meetings I’ve sat through in my day, and there was always the kiss-ass that would ask a question he already damn well knew the answer to, and would prolong the meeting another 15 minutes. I can sort of forgive the 40 year old woman example above, but the people that do that in the workplace should all be rounded up and shot.
Anyway, there’s a great chance that happened about 5 or 6 times last night. If I had to guess who the culprit was, I’d go with Howie Roseman.
• I could have sex… Twice!
• I could drive from my home in North Jersey to Ann Arbor, Michigan, with 6 minutes to spare:
• I could almost fly from Honolulu to the Newark airport. I’d have to parachute out probably somewhere around Pittsburgh:
• I could read a book, from beginning to end, in that order. I could learn to play frolf. I could make it MY time, time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I could proclaim that time “The 9 hours of Jimmy!”