In the wake of the national headlines made by Philly beat reporters/fighters Les Bowen and Jeff McLane, I’d like to take the opportunity to throw out some media salvos of my own. If any of the following media types want to step to me, bring it on, bitches. (OK, don’t for real, though – I’m more “internet tough” than “actual tough,” and most of you would pummel me in 3 seconds). In the interests of keeping this lower than 7,000 words, let’s focus on TV guys only.
Jamie Dukes – Just winging shit off the top of your head when the light above the camera comes on isn’t “analysis.”
Merrill Hoge – Sorry, man. You can try all you want, but the phrase “Factor Back” is stupid, and it’s not catching on.
Frank Caliendo – Your pre-game skits are so terrible, that the FOX studio guys have even stopped their fake courtesy laughs.
Kenny Mayne – Your pre-game skits are so terrible, that the ESPN studio guys have even stopped their fake courtesy laughs. OK, so unlike Caliendo, at least Chris Berman sort of gives you an, “Oh, Kenny,” but note that he’s not laughing.
Chris Berman – I’m 34 years old, and I still don’t get half your pop culture reference nicknames from 1962.
Shannon Sharpe – I have no idea what you’re even saying. Actually, in a way, it kinda makes you one of the better NFL TV analysts out there.
The FOX Robot – What is your purpose, anyway.
Warren Sapp – You’re beginning to develop a habit of going “OOOOOOH!” as in like “Oh snap, no he didn’t,” when someone makes a bland point that is completely un-OOOOOH-worthy. Stop it. You too, Michael Irvin.
Trent Dilfer – Your criticisms of other QBs around the league are comical. I mean… If it’s Joe Montana or John Elway laying down the harshness, alright… fine. They’ve been there and done that. You, however, had 113 TD passes and 129 picks. Your career QB rating was 70.2, which like the Mendoza line of bad NFL QB play. When fans of a team with a terrible QB try to defend their team, they point to the 2000 Ravens as a team that had a crappy QB and won despite that fact. Translation – (cupping hands around mouth for better acoustics) YOU STUNK! So chill out a bit.
Skip Bayless – I think people have kinda stopped caring by now, Skip. The only reason you’re even included here is because I don’t want the first 5 comments to be “Uh, Skip Bayless?” You’re only here for due diligence purposes.
Tony Siragusa – I have nothing against you, Tony, so allow me to direct my insult at your fans. If you enjoy Tony Siragusa in any way, shape, or form, you’re a dolt.
Tony Dungy – You’re not the moral compass of the NFL, so enough with the preachy nonsense.
Joe Buck – Smarmtastic.
Deion Sanders – Put as much emphasis into your sentences as you’d like, but it doesn’t make what you’re actually saying… you know… smart.
Tony Kornheiser – OK, so I’m digging up an old one here, since Tony K doesn’t even do football games anymore, but he was my least favorite commentator of all time, no small feat with Dennis Miller in the mix. Call me crazy, but I was just never into hearing about how awesome Brett Favre is for 4 quarters during a Titans-Jaguars game. I’d just like to note that the football world became a better place when Tony got canned.
Hank Williams, Jr. – Still?
Jon Gruden – Jon, I disagree that Jabar Gaffney is one of the best receivers in the league. OK, so I doubt you actually said that, but it seems like something you would say.
Mike Mayock and Cris Collinsworth – Just kidding, guys. Nothing but love for the both of you.