Throwing down some media salvos of my own

In the wake of the national headlines made by Philly beat reporters/fighters Les Bowen and Jeff McLane, I’d like to take the opportunity to throw out some media salvos of my own.  If any of the following media types want to step to me, bring it on, bitches.  (OK, don’t for real, though – I’m more “internet tough” than “actual tough,” and most of you would pummel me in 3 seconds). In the interests of keeping this lower than 7,000 words, let’s focus on TV guys only.

Jamie Dukes – Just winging shit off the top of your head when the light above the camera comes on isn’t “analysis.”

Merrill Hoge – Sorry, man.  You can try all you want, but the phrase “Factor Back” is stupid, and it’s not catching on.

Frank Caliendo – Your pre-game skits are so terrible, that the FOX studio guys have even stopped their fake courtesy laughs.

Kenny Mayne – Your pre-game skits are so terrible, that the ESPN studio guys have even stopped their fake courtesy laughs.  OK, so unlike Caliendo, at least Chris Berman sort of gives you an, “Oh, Kenny,” but note that he’s not laughing.

Chris Berman – I’m 34 years old, and I still don’t get half your pop culture reference nicknames from 1962.

Shannon Sharpe – I have no idea what you’re even saying.  Actually, in a way, it kinda makes you one of the better NFL TV analysts out there.

The FOX Robot – What is your purpose, anyway.

Warren Sapp – You’re beginning to develop a habit of going “OOOOOOH!” as in like “Oh snap, no he didn’t,” when someone makes a bland point that is completely un-OOOOOH-worthy.  Stop it.  You too, Michael Irvin.

Trent Dilfer – Your criticisms of other QBs around the league are comical.  I mean… If it’s Joe Montana or John Elway laying down the harshness, alright… fine.  They’ve been there and done that.  You, however, had 113 TD passes and 129 picks.  Your career QB rating was 70.2, which like the Mendoza line of bad NFL QB play.  When fans of a team with a terrible QB try to defend their team, they point to the 2000 Ravens as a team that had a crappy QB and won despite that fact.  Translation – (cupping hands around mouth for better acoustics) YOU STUNK!  So chill out a bit.

Skip Bayless – I think people have kinda stopped caring by now, Skip.  The only reason you’re even included here is because I don’t want the first 5 comments to be “Uh, Skip Bayless?”  You’re only here for due diligence purposes.

Tony Siragusa – I have nothing against you, Tony, so allow me to direct my insult at your fans.  If you enjoy Tony Siragusa in any way, shape, or form, you’re a dolt.

Tony Dungy – You’re not the moral compass of the NFL, so enough with the preachy nonsense.

Joe Buck – Smarmtastic.

Deion Sanders – Put as much emphasis into your sentences as you’d like, but it doesn’t make what you’re actually saying… you know… smart.

Tony Kornheiser – OK, so I’m digging up an old one here, since Tony K doesn’t even do football games anymore, but he was my least favorite commentator of all time, no small feat with Dennis Miller in the mix.  Call me crazy, but I was just never into hearing about how awesome Brett Favre is for 4 quarters during a Titans-Jaguars game.  I’d just like to note that the football world became a better place when Tony got canned.

Hank Williams, Jr. – Still?

Jon Gruden – Jon, I disagree that Jabar Gaffney is one of the best receivers in the league.  OK, so I doubt you actually said that, but it seems like something you would say.

Mike Mayock and Cris Collinsworth – Just kidding, guys.  Nothing but love for the both of you.

19 Comments

  1. Dreama says:

    Excellent ideas! I have been looking for things like that for a while these days. Many thanks!

  2. confident, you’ve a great readers’ base already!

  3. Pretty sure the seeding is:

  4. D3Keith says:

    I’m a dolt. I like Siragusa. For what he is.

    Even though I dislike Deion and Irvin individually, somehow I thought their show with Mooch and Eisen worked. Maybe now that Eisen is gone it stinks?

    Aikman and Moose are pretty fair.

    Tirico is top-notch, even though he seems like a guy I would not like in real life.

    I don’t really like Collinsworth as much as everyone else.

    Then again, I’m always trying to watch 13 games at once, what the hell do I know about announcers?

  5. Tim Rice says:

    What about Mel Kiper Jr, and Adam Schefter?

  6. Shaun says:

    Jimmy what about “Moose” Johnston and Chris Meyers?? moose’s anaylsis sounds like he’s had a 1 or 2 or 20 concussions because he obviously cant see see whats actually happening on the field and transmit that out his mouth….Meyers is so dull he puts you to sleep each time….his voice is so blah and monotone….he would be better off doing books on tape ugh

  7. MannaFromKevin says:

    I like Collinsworth but sometimes it seems like he can’t seem to get off Tony Romo’s D. Week 3, Cowboys-Redskins, nothing is going right for the Cowboys, they’re making mistakes everywhere. Collinsworth is praising Romo up and down, saying how “he really can do it all”… yeah, except score a TD against the Redskins. His teammates had no Fing idea what they were doing, fine. Tony was trying to get them to get their shit together, fine. Say it and move on rather than give us the Romo-love-affair treatment for three quarters.

    1. That was Jaws, not Collinsworth.

  8. Tron says:

    WHERE IS JOE THEISMANN !!!!1

    He can never be forgiven for ruining football game after football game

    Remember the dog poop sandwich that was Paul Maguire, Joe Theismann and Mike Patrick… they made Sunday Night Football unwatchable.

    1. Gahhhhh… I knew there’d be at least one I forgot! Glaring omission.

    2. And you’re right – That trio was atrocious. I remember they made this huge thing about guessing whether or not the offense got a first down when they brought out the chains. Made me cringe. You’re right – Unwatchable.

    3. Shaun says:

      Damn!!! thats right…good catch yo cuz Joey T is brutal. Its not bad enough that he is a ‘skins apologist but he also has that angry old man thing going on….that should keep his mic muted @ all times….

  9. slandog says:

    On the college side of things I can’t stand Lou Holtz! He drives me nuts I can’t understand him most of the time. And, when he’s talking my TV screen gets covered in his little spit balls that he throws everywhere.

    He was a good football coach, but get him out of the studio. He’s way past his time and he will eventually just double over while on the air……

  10. strupp says:

    haha this post made my day, thanks mate!

    tend to agree in almost everything, just wondering: does that mean everybody who isnt on the list is ok to good in your eyes?

    I only get to watch games here so im not sure if this list is only on “analysts” or also just commentators.

    greetings from germany

    p.s isnt that stupid robot on twitter too? i mean seriously? (just looked him up, has amazing 11 follower (still 11 too many))

  11. The Legend says:

    FOX is still using Frank Caliendo? smh, they supposedly have the best pre-game show in the country but if I had to rank them they would be last. I also agree about Hank Williams Jr. but I would of included Faith Hill both of them are overplayed they need to be updated

  12. Shaun says:

    Great article Jimmy….its about time somebody outed these so called “analysts” I especially hate Skip “disagree with everything so I can actually get some attention” Bayless and Deion Sanders, who when not screaming “do what you do mike vick!” offers no relevant information whatsoever, just the name Prime Time. Jamie Dukes and Merrill Hodge have this hatred for the Eagles cuz I swear Ive never heard them say anything positive about the team. Trent Dilfer is just a hater really cuz his career was so mediocre, so he helps develop that difficult as shit to understand QBR, to ya know, make his rating not suck as much

  13. Will says:

    I wish we had analysts that weren’t complete retards. It must be awesome to be able to spew absolute b.s. and non-sense about football, but still be respected.

  14. Tracer Bullet says:

    Collinsworth is a smug prick, but he’s been less insufferable since Favre finally retired. And I wish Jaws and Gruden, well, I won’t say I hope they die because that’s cruel. But I hope a rabid badger rips their larynxes out so they can never speak again.

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